The One Before This One

I became pregnant early last August. I took a home pregnancy test right when I thought my period should start. We were trying to get pregnant, we had talked and planned and decided that it would be sweet to have two children born in Oklahoma instead of just one. We knew that it would be difficult having a baby right when we should be moving back to Michigan but difficult is that name of our game- when has life not been difficult? So we tried and like always succeeded in becoming pregnant. The line telling me I was pregnant was very faint and looking back it never felt right. All of the pregnancy tests I have always took have been obviously positive. It just seemed weird that it wasn't real obvious. I had symptoms of pregnancy, nausea, a sudden disorientation at work-why was I able to successfully work 7 tables yesterday and now seem overwhelmed, before I was able to work a complete closing shift without thinking about food and suddenly I was needing something to eat otherwise I would feel like passing out! We were happy. We told family, friends, announced it on Facebook. And then October 3 I woke up in the morning and there was some faint blood. I freaked and called a friend who recently had lost a twin about 13 weeks into her pregnancy. Maybe the blood would stop? Maybe I am just losing a twin? But it kept on getting worse. I was having cramps. I was 7 or 8 weeks. It was really early in my pregnancy and I knew there was nothing that could be done. So I zoned out. I tried my best to escape from the reality of it. I was scheduled to go to work that night and like normal, although uncontrollably crying during all of it, I got ready and went. Of course they knew something was up and I should have just told them and went right home. But I tried unsuccessfully to make it through the shift. Finally, someone volunteered to close for me and I went home.

It was fair time and the only day we were able to go to the fair was Monday. Early Monday I drove to the walk-in clinic but it was packed full and honestly I didn't want to sit for hours for them to tell me that I was losing or had lost my baby. Really I was still in denial even though I had passed a large clot that morning that I felt like was the tiny little baby. So I didn't go to the clinic. Instead we went to the fair and by the time we left the fair the clinic had closed for the day.

Tuesday morning I went to the clinic. They took a blood test, did a cervical exam and tried to find something on a ultrasound(they have really crappy machines there). Their diagnoses was not good but exactly what I expected. Now they wanted to wait for the blood tests to see if my HcG levels were where they were suppose to be or less than what they should be at 7 or 8 weeks. After a few days of no calls we had some help from a friend to get the tests results and they were not favorable. The levels were not where they should be for how far along I was. I had lost the baby.

I can not convey to you how I felt. You would only know if you have had a miscarriage or lost a child. It was hard to get though the day. Homeschooling slowed or stopped and has never fully recovered from it. I felt such a lost and tried to unjusitfy it because of how early the pregnancy was. But this child was loved, prayed for, planned and the lost was felt by every member of the family.

Our family planning was temporarily stalled. We didn't talk about trying for another but didn't talk about not trying either. Finally one day I asked if we were still on and the answer was yes. Beginning of December I found out we were pregnant again- this time the test was a normal obviously positive. I felt good about that. We decided to take the announcing slow this time. I wanted to get through the first trimester before telling a bunch of family and friends. Of course I told my best friend and J let it leak a little too. Before long the girls were asking. L, sitting on my lap during church, poked my belly and said "Is there a baby in there?" We have yet to announce it to our extended families although M has told MIL on the phone. But she told her that it was a secret and is convinced that she won't tell anyone and will just forget about it in a couple days. Right.

In my mind this child will always be number 5 although called number 4.

I still think about number 4, the one we lost, and always will.