missing

I struggle to find words to express my feelings...

After bleeding heavily for 4 days, an ultrasound showed nothing.  The doctor came in and said "There is no baby but you were pregnant at one time because your blood has hcg in it."  

How am I suppose to feel?

I go on with my life.  We celebrate a birthday, go on a 3 mile hike, vacation, return home, clean, fold laundry, prepare for another year of school.

I am suppose to be growing a life inside me.

Heck I'm suppose to be due this October too.

I cry for no reason but that is not true.

I cry because of the life lost.  The life I will never grow.  The life that will never live. 

I cry for the unknown.  The cause of this all.

I cry because I feel abandoned.

I try to go on but only because I have to go on... 

7 weeks

Today I am 7 weeks along.

We have told a few friends and are patiently waiting to tell more.
We would like to keep it a secret for just a little longer because of our previous miscarriages.  I am feeling great, even though I am slightly tired and need to keep my belly full, otherwise I feel sick.  We are excited and hoping for a healthy baby, who decides to come later rather than sooner.