21 Weeks

Today I am 21 weeks along.  I had an OB/GYN appointment but didn't see my doctor, she had been called into a C-section.  It is a little weird having doctors care after a pregnancy with a midwife.  See with midwives you usually wait 5-10 minutes at most and have an hour long visit with them.  At this point I would have been having my 3rd visit with my midwife. Instead I have seen my doctor one time, our 16 week visit was a 2 hour round table discussion with other mothers and a childbirth educators.  We talked about nutrition and exercise and other pregnancy related topics which I guess was nice... I do have a lot of questions for my OB so I was a little disappointed when she wasn't available(Midwives don't miss appointments last minute for emergency surgeries).

This is an exciting development: I felt little girl move.. on the outside!!
I have been feeling movement here and there for the few weeks but this is the first kick I could feel with my hand.  So exciting.

20 weeks... HELLO BABY!!

 We had our 19/20 wk ultrasound this past week and we found this cute baby. 

Little baby was moving so much the tech said she was the most active baby she had ever scanned.

But we were able to see her hands...

 and her feet...

 Oh yeah, we found out she is a girl!

19 wks

Here we go again.  Another pregnancy.  Another pregnancy blog.
This pregnancy has been different.
I had horrible all the time morning sickness to begin with.
After two miscarriages that happened last year(one in February and one in August), I was super worried that this one would end in the same manner.
My mom found out she had breast cancer in the beginning of November and I peed on the stick in the beginning of December, a week before going to help her out after her surgery. So here I am- newly pregnant, dealing with the start of morning sickness, worrying about the possibility of having another miscarriage and trying to be there for my mom.  It took all of me to hold in my news in the middle of her trying to find out what her news was, cancer diagnosis sometimes takes awhile.  I don't think I told her she was going to have another grandchild until January, after she told me she was only Stage 3 and the treatment would be chemo and then radiation.
So the all the time morning sickness hit me full force at the end of December.  It was horrid.  It hadn't been that bad since my first pregnant.  In a way it was comforting- I mean, you should be less likely to miscarry if you're throwing up, right?  At least that was my hope. I'm not sure if there is proof to back up that theory.
And the cravings have been weird.  This is the first time I have had strong food cravings.
The kids are excited.
Z keeps on talking about the baby and when it will be born.  We have told her it may be born on her birthday so she keeps on talking about that.  She watches pregnancy related videos on my phone, on my baby center app and she freaks out when she sees any picture of a baby.
The other kids have opinions on whether this baby should be a boy or a girl.
I think its a girl just because my all the time morning sickness was bad.
We have an ultrasound tomorrow so hopefully we will find out.

missing

I struggle to find words to express my feelings...

After bleeding heavily for 4 days, an ultrasound showed nothing.  The doctor came in and said "There is no baby but you were pregnant at one time because your blood has hcg in it."  

How am I suppose to feel?

I go on with my life.  We celebrate a birthday, go on a 3 mile hike, vacation, return home, clean, fold laundry, prepare for another year of school.

I am suppose to be growing a life inside me.

Heck I'm suppose to be due this October too.

I cry for no reason but that is not true.

I cry because of the life lost.  The life I will never grow.  The life that will never live. 

I cry for the unknown.  The cause of this all.

I cry because I feel abandoned.

I try to go on but only because I have to go on... 

7 weeks

Today I am 7 weeks along.

We have told a few friends and are patiently waiting to tell more.
We would like to keep it a secret for just a little longer because of our previous miscarriages.  I am feeling great, even though I am slightly tired and need to keep my belly full, otherwise I feel sick.  We are excited and hoping for a healthy baby, who decides to come later rather than sooner.

Birth- In Pictures

Birth

I first started feeling contractions around 5pm. I had just woke up from a nap. They were stronger than any I had had before and after the third one I decided it was time to start letting Jake know every time I had one. He started writing them down in his notebook. They came every 7-11 minutes. At 5:45 we were going to leave to take the girls to VBS but I decided that we probably shouldn't just in case I really was in labor. We decided instead to head to Walmart to pick up a few things and get my blood pressure checked. After Walmart shopping was done it was around 7 and we decided that as soon as we arrived home we would call the midwives. I called Sara( good friend and birth photographer) to let her know(she had an hour drive) and had her contact another good friend and doula, Jess.
A little before 8 things started to pick up pace, the contractions were every 2-5 minutes apart. Jess and Sara arrived a little after 8, I tried giving Jess a tour of the house but only got half-way down the hallway. I let everyone know that IF I had been in a hospital I would be asking for pain medication. We had been told to call Laurie(midwife) when we thought we wanted someone there, so we did. I wanted to take a bath or shower but had trouble deciding. Jess started getting a bath ready and I climbed into it around 8:30.
Laurie arrived soon after followed by Amanda(midwife) both while I was in the tub. Laurie checked the baby's heart rate and my blood pressure(which had dropped considerably since my last appointment). The tub was awesome. I was able to relax a lot in between contractions and breathing through the contractions was easier, I think I really learned how I should breathe in the tub and focused on making sure I kept breathing like that when I got out of the tub. I remember Micah coming in to see how I was. They checked the baby's heart rate once more before I got out of the tub at 9:16 to try and pee.
With every contraction I was on my knees. For awhile I stayed in the bathroom and leaned over the tub with every contraction. At 9:30 I moved into our bedroom and starting kneeling beside the bed and leaning on it when the contractions came. Nathaniel brought in some trucks and cars and put them on the bed by me. At that time I noticed Patrice(midwife) was there.
They checked the baby's heart rate three more times before it was all over but I don't remember it.
After every contraction I said I couldn't do it any longer and asked my midwives if they knew how much longer I had. They reassured me that my body was working perfectly. I really wanted to know if I was there yet but I'm glad they encouraged me to work with my body instead of checking to see how dilated I was.
I starting feeling pushy during the contractions and began to bare down with them. My water broke at 10. At 10:04 the head was inside by just a knuckle. The midwives put some warm compresses and olive oil on my bottom area.
At 10:05 I started pushing the head out, trying to breathe through them and gently push the head out so I wouldn't tear(which I didn't, there's a first time for everything- episiotomy with first, tore with second and third)
At 10:08 the babies head was out, I reached down and felt it-amazing. There was an amazingly clear headed moment between pushing the head out and pushing the rest of her body out. In that moment I was able to touch her head then totally relax. I don't remember feeling any pain at all at that time.
With the next contraction at 10:09 I pushed the rest of her out and everyone helped put her up into my arms. Then I sat birthing stool that they put behind me. The kids were called in at 10:13 to see their new sister. I held her in my arms while I pushed the placenta out(which hurt way less than my previous hospital births where the nurse pushes on your belly until your uterus contractions again and you painfully push the placenta out).
At 10:27 Jake cut the cord. It was the first time I was able to see my baby's cord being cut. I then moved into our bed and started feeding our little girl. They kids climbed into bed with me and admired their little sister.
My mom soon arrived and we then had the midwives take a more thorough check of the baby. She weighed 4lbs 11oz... so tiny!
The midwives left at 12:20am and Jess and Sara left soon after. Jake and my mom helped get the kids to bed and that was it!
It is still unbelievable that it all happened but her being here is the proof.
Everything was all and more than I had hoped for. I am so happy that I got to the point of my life where I would think of choosing home birth as an option. If we have one more- like we hope- I will absolutely go this route again.

Quick Update

Zoe Abigail Anne
Born 8/3/11
10:09 pm
At home
Weighed 4 lbs 11 oz
18 inches long
Head circumference 11 inches

No complications
Second day of life nursing like a pro, sleeping well and being the cutest little thing possible

More to come..

Baby?

If you are reading this, please don't post anything on my Facebook.
I've been having contractions for the past 2 1/2 hours and they keep on getting more intense. We've contacted the midwives who are now waiting to see if the contractions continue. Good news! We might have a baby tonight.

There's some pressure on my blood...

140/90 Low end of stage 1 Hypertension
I've been sent home to eat some protein and hope that it lowers or at least doesn't rise. No swelling. Trace of protein in my urine. Other than that baby's heartbeat is great, it increases after we move the baby a little(good). My belly measurements increased an inch from last time so no worry about the baby not growing.
My next appointment is in a week or earlier if I want. I'm going to go to Walmart maybe every other day to check on my blood pressure just to keep track of it. I'm really hoping we give birth soon.

Low Rider

100 % sure this baby has dropped. Last anointment I measured smaller than my appointment before. Pretty sure baby didn't shrink. I had prior had a feeling babe had dropped so that was a confirmation. Today I am really feeling it! Last night I think I got up 20 times to pee. We are heading back to the midwife's this morning for another prenatal and I'll let you all know how that goes. 38 weeks already. I really wasn't sure if I would make it this far with N's pre-eclampsia scare. My blood pressure was borderline high at my last appointment 140/80. I measured it at Walmart Sunday night and it was 126/71. Like the measurements I'll let you in on how it is today. I hardly have any swelling which is really abnormal for my pregnancies, usually I have more than the minimal that I have now. I did take my wedding ring off, it was getting a little snug. I'll let you know how things go today!

Heartburn

So ladies we are about to test out that old theory that lots of heartburn during your pregnancy causes your newborn to be born with a full head of hair. I have experienced the least amount of heartburn with my pregnancy, other pregnancies have been plagued with heartburn, my first being the worst, resulting in my first born having the fullest head of hair of all my newborns. With each of my pregnancies my heartburn has decreased and so has the amount of hair my newborns are born with. So will this child be bald? My lack of heartburn may be an indication of that. I guess we will need to wait and see.

Geez!

So I successfully passed my guess date. This morning I'm thinking
" who am I to even consider myself likely to go into early labor?" seriously, why do I think I will go early? M was in-between the two due dates the doctors had given me and N was induced so in my mind that fact that we gave birth early doesn't count. L was the only one I went early with. What am I doing thinking I'll go early!!!!
also, " you wouldn't know labor if it hit you right across the side of your head" scary and maybe true. I've only gone into labor once. That was over 6 years ago with L. I clearly remember knowing it was the real thing. This is the first child I've had so many "practice" contractions with and periods of 5 or 6 of them in a short period of time. But I'm not one to call wolf so I have not thought much when they are happening, just maybe a glance at the time or count how many I have just in case they become more painful. It makes a difference that the midwives are going to take an hour to arrive on the scene. One thing that has not changed with my labors in the time it takes. Longest was the induction at 11-12 hours long but obviously that wasn't all "real" labor. With the girls, M was 9 hours and that was from the time they broke my water fully(there was no pattern of contractions before then) and birth. L was the shortest, going into labor on my own until birth was 7 hours. All of these were in the bed labors. I've heard that moving around speeds things up and that's what's happening this time. I'm not sure that's really what I want. I'm incredibly wanting to have this baby but to be honest I am a little scared. This whole experience is new to me. Maybe it does need to happen fast so I don't have time to think about it.

July 28

This is my guest date.
I love it because it's easy to remember 7/11. 28 being my birthdate. The 28th is also my best friend's son's birthday, my uncle's birthday, cousin's birthday and great-aunt's birthday. So IF this baby was born today, they sure would fit right in. Don't know if it's going to happen but we do still have time for the frightening three hour labor that might happen. I do feel miserable. Lots of pelvic pressure when I'm up and moving and sitting just doesn't feel right either. I could guess that it's going to happen soon but what exactly is soon? Until then I plan on sitting with a fan blowing on me and trying to relax. The good thing is the guests leave tomorrow, making me able to put the little things that are out of order back in order. If a doctor offered me an induction- I might take it. Good thing I've been there. Done that. And this time I'm walking along a different road.

One Day Closer

With each passing day,
even though I'm tired of the state I'm in and
I'm wishing and longing
for the day I can see your face
and hold you next to my beating heart.
I'm reminded how important it is for us to make it one more day,
in the state we are currently in.
You are safely growing,
And there is no need for you to rush to come join us.
So just stay put my little one
until it's YOUR time.
I'll wait for you to come.

Almost There

This weekend marks the beginning of my 37 week. I'm getting tired of this whole being pregnant thing for sure. The weather this week has not helped nor the fact that we are without air conditioning. But I did actually get a lot accomplished this week. Our room is ready, the kids rooms are cleaned and organized and I remind them at least twice a day to clean up after themselves. Our play/family room upstairs just got cleaned today... almost all of the toys organized(I have one more bin to go through), a box of stuff for a future rummage sale or goodwill, furniture moved around and it looks really nice. My craft room is next but really if I don't get around to it it is not a big deal. I found all of the baby stuff... Receiving blankets that were missing, slings and wraps that were missing, everything was found and put where I know where they are when I need them.
We bought our new car seat, did you know car seats expire? It is really cute. I kind of thought we needed a new one, our old one we bought over 6 years ago before M was born and has gone through 3 children. I thought that since we are going to try and have at least one more after this one that we should buy one now so it goes through two kids. I didn't check the old car seat's until after we bought the new one but sure enough it had expired December 2010, go me!
We might have both the downstairs shower and our master bedroom bathtub fixed by the end of this weekend. This will be super sweet because then guests can shower downstairs and I can get that downstairs bathroom a tad bit cleaner before the baby comes. Also I won't have to walk in the hallway between the upstairs bathroom and our room when I'm in labor because I can just use our master bathroom tub and shower. I'm so excited.
Other than all that I have been super moody, I feel sorry for my sweet kids because their mother(me) has not been calm, cool and collected this week, at all. Maybe once all this stuff is done I can just lay here in bed and do nothing until labor starts?
Oh and we have decided not to take the trip to Ludington, which means I might have family staying here with us next week, which means I might have to inform my mom of the home birth. I am not excited about that, at all. But we are thinking it's better to tell her before I'm in labor so she knows what is going on and knows all of our wishes. Does that make since?
The girls are crazy excited. M is convinced that the midwives would make it and that she will need to be the doctor. She has a basket with a blanket for the baby and an oven mit. The oven mit is for L because L has been volunteered to catch the baby and the baby is going to be covered in "yucky stuff" actually I have been informed that we need one more oven mit so they have one for each hand. M wants to cut the cord, too. She is quite demandin

Humidity & Nesting

I've decided that this weather hates me. I have an enormous amount of energy but today it hit 90 degrees with a heat index of over 100 and the humidity is going to reach 95% tonight. We have zero air conditioning and a upstairs where all the bedrooms are and all the work that I want to do needs to be done. I got the girls room cleaned and moved around last night. Today I tried to spend most of the day downstairs washing/drying/folding clothes. I washed all of the sheets and blankets from our beds and all of the newborn and 0-3 month baby clothes. Tomorrow I need to prep the diapers some more. I moved the furniture around in our room, found a plastic 3--drawer thing to but the baby's clothes in. I have the arms reach bassinet next to our bed and moved our hope chest(J actually did the moving) upstairs to our room so I could put all our blankets in it. Little N's closet is better organized, some of the baby's clothes will be stored in there. I still need to set up the pack n play downstairs.
The girls are in baby watch mode. Both have told me to let them know if I start to hurt because then the baby's coming. They helped me put the plastic sheet on our bed last night so I roughly explained to them about my "water" breaking and what that meant. M wants to help cut the cord. L wants to hold the baby only if it is a girl, not a boy. One brother is enough for her, I guess. M has a bunch of supplies set aside in her closet just in case the midwives can't make it, including a basket and a blanket. They have asked me if the baby comes out with clothes on or not.
They have both seen me wash baby clothes and probably know by know what we think we are having.. I try and play it off as nothing. Please don't call my house asking them what baby clothes I am washing.
Here are the stats. With N I would have already had him. L I had at 37 weeks 5 days. Which is in a week and a day. M had a couple days after her due date. Which would be in 3 weeks and 4 days.
But back to the weather. I told J he needs to find me a window air conditioning unit. I hope he does. This weather is suppose to stay in the 90's all this week. Yucky. I just hope the humidity goes down.

Um.. Yeah

Whew!
Four more weeks to go....watch out. It will be funny(is that the right word?) if I hit or surpass my due date. But if I do, I'll have a lot more time to prepare... time is something I don't mind having.
This week was a little exhausting, emotionally more than physically. My wonderful husband was at camp and there was a lot of miscommunication leading into confusion over the logistics of everything. Like when he was going to stay home with us and when he was going to be gone. I had a couple of pregnant lady tantrums or meltdowns directed towards him. Sorry hunny.
The kids were great. M pampered me at times, randomly bringing me glasses of water to drink and L would randomly tell me she loved me. Am I that transparent with my emotions? Yes. I am.
But we made it through. J is due home in a couple hours and we are heading off to the fair after that.
Week after week this all is becoming more real. The girls are ultra excited. I'm a little worried about N adjusting to it all, but at least he'll be able to sit on my lap again.
36 weeks done. The countdown begins.

Supplies

Ordered my birth kit in the mail late last week and it arrived today. I have yet to ventured into opening it. It might be better to keep it all contained in the box(otherwise the kids might litter it all over the house). I was also reminded by the midwives of another list of things I should have set aside for the birth, like towels, clothes I want to wear afterwards, clothes for the baby, extra sheets for the bed.. you know, those sort of things. So, once my hubby is back in town, I plan on taking a shopping trip, buying anything I need to buy, then setting all of this aside so it will be good and ready for birth time. Also, our vacation to Ludington keeps on getting pushed back. We will now be heading up there when I am 37 weeks and a few days along.
This scares me a little. N was induced at 36 wks. I don't count that as normal. But L was normal labor at 37 wks 5 days. I talked to the midwives and informed them that I would be away. The great thing is that Ludington is only 1 hour away from our house and the midwives are 1 hour away from our house. So my plan is.. if I happen to go into labor on vacation, I'll call them and we can all meet an hour away at our house. They seem a ok with this set up, even telling me stories of births in Walmart parking lots, hotels, motels, cabins in the woods, whereever and whenever the babe is ready to come out, they are willing to be there for the blessed event. I feel confident that it will all work out. My labors have been short in the past but not 1-2 hour short. I should at least make it in my door or in my driveway before I need to push-at least that's what I'm praying for. Hopefully we can just have a real nice relaxing vacation then come home and go into labor the next day or something.
Talk about planning. But this next week I have to get it all in order.
Birth first.
House second.
Pack for vacation.
Vacation over.
Baby.
That's what I'm talking about.

Love Me Some Photos

A really good friend of ours volunteered to take some photos of us while I was still pregnant. Here are some of the results. I made the big mistake of letting N skip out of his nap, which equaled a really grumpy two year old boy who absolutely refused to sit still to have his picture taken with us. He could not even be bribed. The only thing he wanted to do was see the pictures in the camera after they had been shot. "I see it! I see it!" Anyway, I was not thinking at all and should have fought with him a little more to get him to nap. So the family shots didn't turn out so well.. but we got a bunch of other shots that I think are real good. Thanks Sara!!

I like this last one because it shows the hugeness of my belly.

We have four more weeks for it to grow even larger.