21 Weeks

Today I am 21 weeks along.  I had an OB/GYN appointment but didn't see my doctor, she had been called into a C-section.  It is a little weird having doctors care after a pregnancy with a midwife.  See with midwives you usually wait 5-10 minutes at most and have an hour long visit with them.  At this point I would have been having my 3rd visit with my midwife. Instead I have seen my doctor one time, our 16 week visit was a 2 hour round table discussion with other mothers and a childbirth educators.  We talked about nutrition and exercise and other pregnancy related topics which I guess was nice... I do have a lot of questions for my OB so I was a little disappointed when she wasn't available(Midwives don't miss appointments last minute for emergency surgeries).

This is an exciting development: I felt little girl move.. on the outside!!
I have been feeling movement here and there for the few weeks but this is the first kick I could feel with my hand.  So exciting.

20 weeks... HELLO BABY!!

 We had our 19/20 wk ultrasound this past week and we found this cute baby. 

Little baby was moving so much the tech said she was the most active baby she had ever scanned.

But we were able to see her hands...

 and her feet...

 Oh yeah, we found out she is a girl!

19 wks

Here we go again.  Another pregnancy.  Another pregnancy blog.
This pregnancy has been different.
I had horrible all the time morning sickness to begin with.
After two miscarriages that happened last year(one in February and one in August), I was super worried that this one would end in the same manner.
My mom found out she had breast cancer in the beginning of November and I peed on the stick in the beginning of December, a week before going to help her out after her surgery. So here I am- newly pregnant, dealing with the start of morning sickness, worrying about the possibility of having another miscarriage and trying to be there for my mom.  It took all of me to hold in my news in the middle of her trying to find out what her news was, cancer diagnosis sometimes takes awhile.  I don't think I told her she was going to have another grandchild until January, after she told me she was only Stage 3 and the treatment would be chemo and then radiation.
So the all the time morning sickness hit me full force at the end of December.  It was horrid.  It hadn't been that bad since my first pregnant.  In a way it was comforting- I mean, you should be less likely to miscarry if you're throwing up, right?  At least that was my hope. I'm not sure if there is proof to back up that theory.
And the cravings have been weird.  This is the first time I have had strong food cravings.
The kids are excited.
Z keeps on talking about the baby and when it will be born.  We have told her it may be born on her birthday so she keeps on talking about that.  She watches pregnancy related videos on my phone, on my baby center app and she freaks out when she sees any picture of a baby.
The other kids have opinions on whether this baby should be a boy or a girl.
I think its a girl just because my all the time morning sickness was bad.
We have an ultrasound tomorrow so hopefully we will find out.

missing

I struggle to find words to express my feelings...

After bleeding heavily for 4 days, an ultrasound showed nothing.  The doctor came in and said "There is no baby but you were pregnant at one time because your blood has hcg in it."  

How am I suppose to feel?

I go on with my life.  We celebrate a birthday, go on a 3 mile hike, vacation, return home, clean, fold laundry, prepare for another year of school.

I am suppose to be growing a life inside me.

Heck I'm suppose to be due this October too.

I cry for no reason but that is not true.

I cry because of the life lost.  The life I will never grow.  The life that will never live. 

I cry for the unknown.  The cause of this all.

I cry because I feel abandoned.

I try to go on but only because I have to go on... 

7 weeks

Today I am 7 weeks along.

We have told a few friends and are patiently waiting to tell more.
We would like to keep it a secret for just a little longer because of our previous miscarriages.  I am feeling great, even though I am slightly tired and need to keep my belly full, otherwise I feel sick.  We are excited and hoping for a healthy baby, who decides to come later rather than sooner.

Birth- In Pictures

Birth

I first started feeling contractions around 5pm. I had just woke up from a nap. They were stronger than any I had had before and after the third one I decided it was time to start letting Jake know every time I had one. He started writing them down in his notebook. They came every 7-11 minutes. At 5:45 we were going to leave to take the girls to VBS but I decided that we probably shouldn't just in case I really was in labor. We decided instead to head to Walmart to pick up a few things and get my blood pressure checked. After Walmart shopping was done it was around 7 and we decided that as soon as we arrived home we would call the midwives. I called Sara( good friend and birth photographer) to let her know(she had an hour drive) and had her contact another good friend and doula, Jess.
A little before 8 things started to pick up pace, the contractions were every 2-5 minutes apart. Jess and Sara arrived a little after 8, I tried giving Jess a tour of the house but only got half-way down the hallway. I let everyone know that IF I had been in a hospital I would be asking for pain medication. We had been told to call Laurie(midwife) when we thought we wanted someone there, so we did. I wanted to take a bath or shower but had trouble deciding. Jess started getting a bath ready and I climbed into it around 8:30.
Laurie arrived soon after followed by Amanda(midwife) both while I was in the tub. Laurie checked the baby's heart rate and my blood pressure(which had dropped considerably since my last appointment). The tub was awesome. I was able to relax a lot in between contractions and breathing through the contractions was easier, I think I really learned how I should breathe in the tub and focused on making sure I kept breathing like that when I got out of the tub. I remember Micah coming in to see how I was. They checked the baby's heart rate once more before I got out of the tub at 9:16 to try and pee.
With every contraction I was on my knees. For awhile I stayed in the bathroom and leaned over the tub with every contraction. At 9:30 I moved into our bedroom and starting kneeling beside the bed and leaning on it when the contractions came. Nathaniel brought in some trucks and cars and put them on the bed by me. At that time I noticed Patrice(midwife) was there.
They checked the baby's heart rate three more times before it was all over but I don't remember it.
After every contraction I said I couldn't do it any longer and asked my midwives if they knew how much longer I had. They reassured me that my body was working perfectly. I really wanted to know if I was there yet but I'm glad they encouraged me to work with my body instead of checking to see how dilated I was.
I starting feeling pushy during the contractions and began to bare down with them. My water broke at 10. At 10:04 the head was inside by just a knuckle. The midwives put some warm compresses and olive oil on my bottom area.
At 10:05 I started pushing the head out, trying to breathe through them and gently push the head out so I wouldn't tear(which I didn't, there's a first time for everything- episiotomy with first, tore with second and third)
At 10:08 the babies head was out, I reached down and felt it-amazing. There was an amazingly clear headed moment between pushing the head out and pushing the rest of her body out. In that moment I was able to touch her head then totally relax. I don't remember feeling any pain at all at that time.
With the next contraction at 10:09 I pushed the rest of her out and everyone helped put her up into my arms. Then I sat birthing stool that they put behind me. The kids were called in at 10:13 to see their new sister. I held her in my arms while I pushed the placenta out(which hurt way less than my previous hospital births where the nurse pushes on your belly until your uterus contractions again and you painfully push the placenta out).
At 10:27 Jake cut the cord. It was the first time I was able to see my baby's cord being cut. I then moved into our bed and started feeding our little girl. They kids climbed into bed with me and admired their little sister.
My mom soon arrived and we then had the midwives take a more thorough check of the baby. She weighed 4lbs 11oz... so tiny!
The midwives left at 12:20am and Jess and Sara left soon after. Jake and my mom helped get the kids to bed and that was it!
It is still unbelievable that it all happened but her being here is the proof.
Everything was all and more than I had hoped for. I am so happy that I got to the point of my life where I would think of choosing home birth as an option. If we have one more- like we hope- I will absolutely go this route again.